Jokes

MY DOG…

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and shots, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry,” she said to her lover, “stand in the corner.”
Then she rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don't move until I tell you.” she said. “Pretend you're a statue.”
“What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room and saw the man.
“Oh it's a statue,” the wife said. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it, so I got one for us, too.”

OLD PEOPLE

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store…it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

BLOWJOB
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money! Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money! Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money!”

YIKES!

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

SEX IN THE DARK

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device! It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

BREAKFAST AT THE DINER

In honor of the mother of the recently born octuplets, small diners across the country are offering a new breakfast special: You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

SOMETIMES…

Sometimes, when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes, when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt. Sometimes, when you are worried, no one sees your stress. Sometimes, when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But, fart just ONE time and everybody notices!

THE RISK OF TV IN BED

LITTLE TYRONE

Little Johnny’s cousin, Lil’ Tyrone, from Georgia had a new teacher. During class one day, she asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we seen all his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to See Rock City and I’s fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good, too, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate".